Wandering

“Do whatever makes you happy.” Isn’t that what they all told us?

When I was young, whenever I looked up to the night sky, I’d see the stars and I would badly want to reach them. I had so many dreams, and they were all big and shiny, and I pictured each of them with a grand orchestra for background music; it was all laid out — get into a great college, learn cool stuff, graduate, and everything else will flow naturally like smooth chocolate oozing off a lava cake. Oh, I would be so happy. To an optimistic sixteen-year-old with a heart overgrown with faith, it sounded like the perfect plan.

So it came to pass – I got into a great college, learned cool stuff, graduated (which felt like a miracle – mentally, physically, psychologically, and most of all, financially). I even got a high-paying job! I worked so hard for this. All those sleepless nights were finally going to pay off. My parents worked hard for me too, to support me wherever I went and whatever I did.

But irony found its way through the woods and caught up with me. Just when I thought nothing could go wrong, I found myself unhappy. There was no orchestra in the background. Just silence. Everything that was supposed to “flow naturally” didn’t. My world felt forced. My life felt stuck.

Maybe I’m stupid. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I’m lazy. Maybe I’m naive. Maybe I’m just one ungrateful lass. I’ve thought of it all…

…and I also thought: Maybe the reasons for my joy have changed.

Do whatever makes you happy…?

A couple of days ago, I decided to quit my job. When I told my mom that I wasn’t happy with what I was doing anymore, it was to her an Armageddon. She couldn’t believe that she sent me to an expensive university only to find out two years after my graduation that I didn’t want to spend another minute applying what I studied for for four years.

I am crushed.

Should I have shifted my major halfway through my stay in college? Well, I certainly had it in my mind at that time for a while, yet I dismissed the idea as a mere distraction. I only have four years, I said to myself. Graduate in time or not at all — that was my mindset. And I did, and I thought I won at life, but I didn’t.

It hasn’t crossed my mind until just now that, like everything else, I am not exempt from change. My wants can change. My feelings can change. My dreams can change. The reason I wake up each morning can change. The reasons I smile can change. I know I should take change as a sign of growth, but the truth is, I still feel like I betrayed myself.

Then again, when we grow apart from people because they’ve changed way beyond our recognition, we do not spite them or make them feel guilty. We ought to trust them and let them be happy with their new-found selves, allow them to chase their happiness, their new dreams and aspirations. Let’s not deprive ourselves of that treatment. Maybe we shouldn’t get stuck with what we think we should be happy about. We can’t force ourselves to enjoy anything. Maybe we shouldn’t linger on the efforts wasted, for they haven’t gone to waste at all; they have made us happy at some point, and that’s great, but they aren’t supposed to make us happy forever. We’re allowed to chase new stars, or maybe just watch them to our hearts’ content instead of trying to reach them, as long as that’s what brings us joy.

Getting lost isn’t the biggest mistake one can make, but not trying to get back on the right track is.